06 12 / 2013
"There’s only one reason someone would agree to be a slave: if they are one already."
06 12 / 2013
have a profound body-mind-spirit breakdown from ‘doing’ grad school for a term
agree to TA a second course for next term
i’m not sure there is any method to my madness, but at least there is madness
05 12 / 2013
… i want to sit calmly with my self and comfort food, and can’t really do either (the sitting or the eating of, well, any food it seems)
it’s humbling, but very very opening. that good pain. good but “for fuck’s sake now really go away fuck?!” pain, on all levels.
i’m being forced to be really really with myself and realize that is what is happening. which is a big gift i don’t think many are afforded. to not want companionship, words to read, moving pictures to watch, conversation to be had, even yummy food to eat, and soon, probably, even music to listen to.
it’s not how i envisioned spending time with my self. largely because it’s hard to seek anything other than distraction when the pain has such a big physical component. though it’s nice that i can actually move around without agony unlike the past two days, it seems fairly evened out that my GI tract seems keen on imploding and rebuilding it’s entire structure. or something like that. i’m not sure what is going on in there, but no amount or restriction of food or liquids makes anything happier.
does anyone know what an ulcer feels like?
but it’s a beautiful challenge, right, if i want to masochistically look for silver linings? physical, mental, emotional, spiritual pain all coalescing into something almost touchable.
it’s already helping me to let go of all the stress-causing baggage. and i’m not going to sit here and deny the large material, stress-induced component of this also spiritual illness. few things beyond fresh air, some food and liquid, finding some touch to give and receive seems important or pertinent or good. and that being with others, loving, cooking, and discussing without arguing makes me lose most of this pain for those moments only reaffirms what i’ve been pretending to realize without accepting:
i shouldn’t be in school.
i shouldn’t be working the system in this way.
i shouldn’t be pretending that, because i have so much luck and privilege, i need to balance or cherish or account for that in some bullshit way; i can’t, so i won’t, i ought stop pretending to be able to.
but i need an income,
a way to shelter myself,
get foods into the kitchen to cook,
have space to share that and other touches with people;
maybe it won’t always require income for all of it, or any of it; but i should also accept that, for my lifetime, at least part of it always will. that’s not defeatism, thought it’s painfully saddening and harsh. it’s being pragmatic in an important way; and it doesn’t take anything away from my trying to live as though, tomorrow, the money economy will be a thing of the past.
today, though, for as long as it is today, i need to work, someone, for my keep. so, in that sense, does it matter what i shouldn’t be doing?
what CAN i do?
what should i be doing?
i can do anything that provides me enough home and food that neither is lacking in a way that harms or pains me.
i should pursue that in a way that involves as much meaningful touch and personal interaction and love and affection as possible between people mutually interested in and awake to that need.
can i shun my course work onto life support, and pursue the teaching and lifestyle flexibility grad school affords me, enough to do just that? maybe. i can definitely try.
but should i?
don’t i already now if that’s just fantasy.
for some reason i can imagine it every which way. perhaps it’s meant to be that cloudy. i shouldn’t know how future options will play out; sometimes it’s important to have no ability to predict beyond right now.
there’s a deep breath.
..and a gasp as i remember that deciding to take on TA position(s) for next term isn’t something i can fairly do as a tentative, maybe i’ll take off part way through the term, decision.
so we gasp, and breathe, and sometimes sit breathless, by choice or by force.
could we really do without all of that?
well, perhaps without the force, but often we suffocate ourselves, and striving for self-perfection is something we die doing.
for now i’ll just strive to breath more and lean more into the gasps without having them shake cracks into my world.
29 11 / 2013
"In the beginning, the earth was without parking. The planner said, Let there be parking, and there was parking. And the planner saw that it was good. And the planner then said, Let there be off-street parking for each land use, according to its kind. And developers provided off-street parking for each land use according to its kind. And again the planner saw that it was good. And the planner said to cars, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it, and have dominion over every living thing that moves upon the earth. And the planner saw everything he had made, and, behold, it was not good."
28 11 / 2013
Anonymous asked: I think I might have a yeast infection but I'm to scared to tell my mom so she could take me to the doctor, I have a bunch of the symptoms and now it's painful but when I brought it up to my mom she just sort of irritated with me and made me go away, now I'm to scared to bring it up again. Is their any home remedy I could get to treat it?
Home remedies are iffy - supposedly plain, unflavored Greek yogurt in your vagina helps (supposedly), but since you can buy Monistat at Walmart over the counter, no prescription needed, it’s better to do that than go to the dairy aisle.
i’ve had a few friends swear by the yoghurt! and if it doesn’t work, you’ve got a healthy snack / breakfast leftover in the fridge and can buy the pharma-solution the next day :)
28 11 / 2013
"Don’t talk to yourself in such a way that if you did so to a friend, it would end your friendship.
If you had a friend dealing with the same things, you wouldn’t berate that person, say, ‘You’re not working hard enough,’ ‘You suck,’ or ‘You’re not as good as [whomever].’ You’d offer your friend encouragement, you’d try to point out all the things your friend did right, and how much progress your friend had made.
You should do no less for yourself.Be very careful how you talk to yourself. Because you are listening."
27 11 / 2013
"For years mental health professionals taught people that they could be psychologically healthy without social support, that “unless you love yourself, no one else will love you.”…The truth is, you cannot love yourself unless you have been loved and are loved. The capacity to love cannot be built in isolation"
Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D. — “The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog” (via magicwroteagirl)
and DO love. because there is no loving the ‘self’, there is just loving, and it hits and hugs everyone at once. even if they don’t want to be in that blanket or if you don’t want them in there. people squeeze in and out of their various boxes, but there is no loving the self, no touching the self, no being with the self… there is only loving and touching and being and breathing. and if we do that for long enough, we might start to stop seeing the self and the other as discrete beings.